:: Against the Sky ::

Can't say that I'm ahead of my time, I fear my time will never come.
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:: Wednesday, December 25, 2002 ::

I need something to do with all of my time. I can't just sit around and jack off all break. I need a job, a life, something. I hate having all of this free time and nothing to do with it all. I can only work on drawings and sketches for so long. Then I can only think of so many new ones per day. I need something to take my mind off of life for a while. I need a vacation from this shit for a minute, if only even for a day. I just have to do something. I should proly give Columbia a call and find out all the info I need too partake in the application process for fall semester. Fuck I don't want to go to Parkside next semester!!! But, my parents really hate the idea of me not going to school, i.e. they think I wouldn't go back. All I want to do is take this semester off and work, then go to COlumbia in the fall. Why is that so hard to understand. It makes sense that they dont want me to take time off of school, as they are looking out for me and basically just being parents.

One of the major problems in life that I have had for as long as I can remember is that fact that, for a little while, I have unlimited intitiative to do something, and then two or three days later I can't commit to it. It really really sucks. It's like I can't concentrate on one thing long enough for me to be able to accomplish it, depending on what it is. For example, on Monday of this week, I devoted myself entirely to my artwork. That lasted a day. Now, I have all of these suplies that would have been nice to have then, but I'm not as commited to it. This is why I think I have been doing badly in school. Something doesn't seem so bad at first, I go to class, life is good, and then I start losing interest, I lose the drive to go to class, and then end up skipping and then, maybe failing. I really don't understand it. Art is one of the things that I love most in life, yet I find myself uninterested at times. Maybe I'm just insane. Same with guitar. I love playgin that fucking instrument, yet sometimes I find myself wanting to do something else. I don't really think that it is a fear of comitment so much, but a lack of motivation. Chances are that my musical career will not add up to anything, yet it is possible, no matter what anyone says. Same thing with a career in the fine arts field, it is possible, just not probable. I think that may somehow be affecting my drive and determination to finish all my projects/start writing songs/do homework that doesn't interest me. I know that if I go to Columbia I won't have the luxury of fucking around in school, as I am paying too much for it.
Weel, with that off my chest, I will move on to a different topic.

:: Colin 10:50 PM [+] ::
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