:: Sunday, January 26, 2003 ::
Once again, I find myself needing to blog about randomness, in all it's glory. I'm still not quite sure on what subject(s) I'm going to discuss with, well, myself, this time, but here we go. I've had a few ideas lately. One of them is quitting smoking. Not the brightest idea of ever had, but it could really help me out. I have asthma, and chronic bronchitits, and I found myself hovering over the toilet last night, puking up blood, water and sloppy joes; nasty aint it? Anyway, I recognize this idea from somewhere, last year I tried the same thing and I promised myself, and swore on my life that I would quit smoking for good. That didn't work for more than two days (if that, I don't remember). I don't want to promise myself that I'm going to do something that I probably won't be able to do, but at the same time I want to, just to have something to go on. I should probably set up some sort of punishment system if I don't, but then if I don't quit, why the hell would I punish myself? If I can't commit to one thing, same goes for the next and so on... I haven't quite decided on how I'm going to idenify this riddle, but I'm hoping something will happen. For the first time in a few years, I got a buzz from a cigarette. I didn't smoke for like 36 hours and then I smoked and got lightheaded as all hell, and it was really wierd. that's not cool at all.
Still haven't been able to find a job, and it's really starting to get to me. It's like nothing is worth doing anymore, unless I get some sort of absolute satisfaction out of it now. Going to the cafe doesn't help me with anything, except honing my spades skills maybe. LIfe really just flat out sucks for me right now. Whether or not anyone thinks I'm trying to go out and look for work doesn't matter to me anymore. It used to piss me off that people would make a random smart-ass comment whenever work or money or school came up. But now, I just let it roll off my shoulders. It makes no sense to even think about what other people say anymore, and I don't like that very much. That's not who I am. I am used to people talking shit all the time. I think Kay said it best: "If they aren't harassing you, they aren't paying attention to you." What the fuck kind of people need to be giving someone shit constantly for them to notice someone? Why am I hanging out with these people if this statement is true? Once again, I'm not going to promise anything to anyone, including myself. Something that, if I don't succeed, I will have this "lack of worth as a human being" feeling hanging over my head at all times.
I'm not trying to get anyone to do anything for me, especially charity, which out of all ideas ever, is one of the few that I absolutely despise with all my being. It's not like I was expecting anything, just so that's out. Now is one of the times that I could just cry for no reason at all for hours. The thing is, that doesn't help, that's giving up, which I'm not about to do. It almost makes sense to, but I can't do that. Mike knows a thing or two about this sitiation, the depression, not the job part so much, but still. He was there the last time this happened, but I don't think that it was to this extent.
I still say there is no reason that these people haven't hired me. In total I have applied at over 15-20 places, all within the boundaries of not having a car or a steady transportation option. I wish I could do something with all of my time, but there really isn't much that I can do to take up 8 months time and not be bored with it, whatever it would be.
Kay, your damn tarot cards better have been lying, or else this year is just going to get worse and worse. I don't think that I could handle it getting much worse than it already is. Life honestly just really really really fucking sucks right now. Hopefully it will get better soon, but, yet again, I see no reason for hope, even though I don't want to give up.
Quote of the day: I think it's kind of funny, I thnk it's kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...
:: Colin 11:31 PM [+] ::