:: Against the Sky ::

Can't say that I'm ahead of my time, I fear my time will never come.
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:: Tuesday, April 18, 2006 ::

Well, Happy New Year everyone...Yeah it's been a while since I've posted. Not sure why. I don't have to vent on a regular basis, so why would I post anything? You guys don't need to find out what happens to me everyday of my rather uneventful life do ya? I see people often enough lol. So why do I keep a blog going even though I update on an uneven, better yet, totally fucking random basis? For posts like this:

K......man I hate writing the first sentence fo anything, that always seems to be the hardest part for me whenever I write something, be it a paper or blog or whathaveyou. I never seem to be able to summarize an idea initially
, i.e. to let the reader know what I'm about to be talking about. So for those that don't know, I will start from about December 10. I got a DUI in Escanaba, MI that night, on the way back from a bar. Spent the night in jail, got some great thinking done, cried a little bit actually, and proceeded to get the barbed shaft (heretofore referred to as 'Ole Rusty') from the Michigan in every way they could think of. But, it's almost over now, I'm almost out of debt with them, I only owe the police dept. like 200 bucks, and the treasury, yes, the treasury, about 450, and I will be good. Hopefully by the start of the summer I will be all squared away and have it behind me. But, I'm not there yet, so fuck a positive view in that regard. Next order of business, October. I'm not sure if there is a reason I haven't really stated my opinion to anyone about this, perhaps I was never asked directly, or I never brought it up, I don't know. I'm not even sure what to say... I feel sorry, for Lauren and especially for Flip (Finnegan). I feel bad for whoever tries to be his father, and whoever Lauren ends up with, because that will be an unfortunate burden for him, one that he doesn't deserve.When the day comes to tell Flip what happened, it better not fucking be raining. I feel bad for Sis, I can't begin to imagine what that must be like, to lose a husband, and then a son. I am mad at the fact that he did it, I think that goes without saying really. I hate the fact that whenever his name gets mentioned, there is a split second of awkwardness, like it's a taboo subject, but at the same time I never want that feeling to go away. I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what was going on with him toward the end. I'm not going to say that I was his best friend, nor was he mine, but he WAS a very good friend nonetheless, one that I had some pretty deep, revealing conversations with regularly, some of the best actually. I am almost going to miss him telling me that Slipknot sucked, because that usually spawned music talk, and with him, those talks were always great. I'm going to miss the fact that we owned in spades, well, we either owned or got rocked, but it was fun nonetheless. I'll miss playing Master of Puppets-air guitar style-with him sometimes, that was just crazy. I'm not really that sad anymore about the whole thing, I'm more angry. When I think about it, I just shake my head and call him a stupid motherfucker. I have lost a lot of respect for him for that reason as well. I feel that he took the easy wasy out. It's bullshit that he is wherever he is, and we are here dealing with the shit he left behind. To quote Ms. Lulu, "Wrongest Man Ever." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Lately I've been drinking a lot. By lately I mean the last 6 months. By a lot I mean too much. I'm not an alcoholic, I have decided that I am a problem drinker, and that really depresses me. It doesn't help when people say this shit to me. It doesn't help that when I ask for rides to avoid drinking and driving I get told that I'm not 'priviledged.' Noone should give me a ride whenever I go out, that would be a burden. But I don't ask for a ride every time, do I? I'm not priviledged, and that was a bullshit thing to say. I'm trying to avoid jailtime at almost all costs, I'll be honest. I'm trying to not drink as much, and the fact that I say that right now pisses me off. I should probably quit for a while. I'm kind of disgusted with myself for even being in this position. What has changed in the last four years? We used to go out and drink just about every single night, especially in the summer. That was normal. When I do that now, everyone assumes I'm a drunk. Well fuck that. I hate myself for even having to write this, really. It's crazy to me that I'm even in this mindset, what with plenty of other things to think about. Like my job, which isn't 'real.' Apparently because I don't work in a factory or a cubicle I'm not worthwhile in society. Who needs to HEAR the music? Let's just let them play onstage, and we'll all just run and try and get as close as we can...ya know, to watch. But, I have had to give that up, at least for this year. My Dad needs the help this year, what with what happened last year, when he was in his....fog, we'll say. The fact that I have no direction in life right now leaves me in an awkward position. I'm not sure what I want to focus on. One thing that has helped me out immensely is working with Annahfought. Say what you will, I have enjoyed every minute of it. It takes my mind off all other things, and I am helping out a band that I honestly think could be popular. I have been looking into getting them shows, getting them some press soon hopefully, and a myriad of other things. Maybe I'll start a management company, depending on how Annahfought turns out. All they need is direction, and with all roads leading to the horizon right now, I think I can help them. There. Maybe the next post will be on a bit of a lighter note.

:: Colin 8:17 PM [+] ::

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